"you could use a pedicure"

I ate lunch with some of my old coworkers at the office the other day.  As I sat there holding Charlotte, listening to everyone chatter about work and/or their personal life, I felt so small.  Insignificant.

My old boss was surprised to see me eating a sandwich for lunch.  (When I worked, I usually opted for some microwaveable lunch option.  Never a sandwich.)  I told her, "there's no time for anything else!"  She didn't say much to that.

A little while later I noticed my old boss staring at my feet.  She said, "Geez, Amanda.  You could use a pedicure!"  Conversation stopped.  I probably turned 5 shades of red....

I sheepishly glanced down at the chipped blue nail polish on my toes and chided myself for not painting them sooner.  It's been on my "To Do List" for awhile...but....  I did my best to laugh it off and cracked some joke about Ben not wanting to take care of Charlotte while I got a pedicure.

Someone else asked me to "walk her through a typical day" in my life.  I was at a loss for words.  I think because I felt like anything I do in a day doesn't come close to the importance of what they are doing now...and what I used to do in my job.  I figured anything I said would seem so silly.  So instead I blurted out some comment about "waking up, eating, dressing, etc."  It sounded lame...and it was lame.

Conversation spun around me as I retreated deeper within my thoughts...laughing here and there when everyone else did....  That insignificant feeling grew larger and larger.  My old coworkers were so professional and smart!  I felt so dowdy and drab.  My brain felt rusty.  I felt boring.  And my toenails were chipped.

It wasn't until my drive home I realized how horrible and empty I made my days sound.  I also realized...my old coworkers are not the same people I worked with over two years ago.  And I am not the same person I was before South Africa.  We've changed.

Before South Africa, I poured myself into my job.  I loved my clients and I even lost sleep over many of them.  Worrying and trying to figure out how I could better their situation.  In many ways, I let my job define me.  When we moved to South Africa, I hardly knew what to do with myself, as you can imagine.  With so much of my identity wrapped up in my career, I was at a loss.

Time moved on, as you know, and we moved back to Kansas.  I continued to struggle with not working.  I loved being a stay at home mommy, but I felt as though I didn't know who I was anymore.

I think in a way, time was on hold for me while I was in South Africa.  I pictured my old coworkers and clients missing me (how self-centered is that!?!?!?).  I imagined that things would be the same when I moved back.  Thankfully, things are different.

It has taken me a couple of days to process this.  I've looked back over the last couple of years and I am beginning to understand the beautiful web God has spun in my life.

If not for South Africa, I would probably still be here, working.  Defined by my job.  Instead, I am no longer defined by my job.  I'm not even defined by my blessed position as Charlotte's mommy.  I'm defined by Jesus.  And I know it.

If not for South Africa, I wouldn't have started blogging.  I wouldn't have read the stories of my friends I mentioned previously.  And I wouldn't have learned all I have about Jesus...and His Hope, His Grace, His mercy...

If not for South Africa, Ben and I would still be stuck in a rut.  We wouldn't be growing spiritually.  Instead we are growing in our faith.  We are becoming more and more aware of our sinfulness as well as God's grace and mercy.

So, here I am.  A few days post-coworkers-lunch.  And I feel happy.  Happy with where God has me now.  And so very blessed He loves me enough to have taken me on the journey He has...and continues to lead me on.

And....I am even okay with my toenail polish being chipped.  Because really, they're just toenails.  (But I will be honest here...I at least removed the chipped nail polish this morning...)