Dear Charlotte....

Charlotte, there have been so many moments lately with you that I just want to press “RECORD” and/or “PAUSE.”  But life doesn’t work that way, so I will just do my best to “record” them here…

1-      Lately, I have been trying to include you in our dinner preparations and cooking.  It’s partly my attempt at getting you to eat more variety and simply teach you… as well as something fun for us to do together that doesn’t involve a toy or an electronic device.  Well, minus the mixer and our stove…since it is electric and not gas.  Though I wish it was gas.  Oh but I divert.

ANYWAY!  The other day we made breadsticks from scratch.  I divided though dough into 24 balls and you proceeded to roll out each breadstick into a long stick- without my even instructing you to do so!  I felt so excited to see you learning and using your mind in such a grown up way.  I pulled out the camera because you were just so stinking cute.  And so focused!  You made a big one for Daddy and then specified one for yourself as well.  The breadsticks turned out marvelous and you even ate one, which is impressive.  We of course didn’t finish all of those breadsticks that night, so we stored them in a Tupperware container.  A few days later you spied the container and you said, “OH!  Mommy!  We can’t forget to eat these.”  So matter of factly.  So big-girl. 

 

 

 2-     This Sunday as we were walking into the kitchen to eat breakfast, you gasped and ran to the back door.  You said, “MAMA!!! YOOOK!  (Look!)”  I walked over and looked outside-  ummmm?  “THE SKY IS PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  You shouted with amazement.  I looked again and I saw what you saw.  The sunrise.  The pink hue to the clouds.  And it was beautiful- you were beautiful.  You were so enthralled with the pretty color; I even had time to grab the camera.  But the camera hardly does it justice. 

3-      Today we attended a meeting for you about preschool.  After the meeting we went to Target.  While in Target, with a cartful of groceries you say, “Mommy, I have to go potty.”  Okay, so…. Easier said than done when in a store with two children who require my upmost attention while lugging around a cartload of purchases.  I weighed my options quickly.  And determined that since you had just used the potty before we left the preschool meeting, you would be able to hold it.  So I told you to be strong and wait.  Then of course we both forgot about the potty in the hustle bustle of purchasing the items and last minute temptations.  Until we got to the car.  Cale was already buckled in and half the bags were loaded.  You started whining you had to go potty.  So, I did what I usually do and pulled out the portable potty seat and a plastic bag.  Daddy hates that I do this, but until he is a stay at home dad, he cannot dictate how we roll in the potty business when out and about.  (Honestly, I prefer the portable potty chair when we are out and about because public potties with you and your brother can be just disgusting and an absolute nightmare!!  Soooo much easier.  No nasty trash can within pudgy hands’ grasp, no yucky-who-knows-when-it-was-last-cleaned-toilet, no jungle gym stall doors, no dirty floors, no scary automatic flusher….etc.)  You climbed up on the seat, because you have no shame.  You are such a champ, truly!  As I sat there waiting for you to pee I noticed your expression.  Cale laughed-like he knew!  And you said, “it’s not funny, Cale!”  And I said, “what, Charlotte?”  And you said, “I’m goin’ poo-poo.” 

Oh wait.  Wait a second!  Girl, I know you are a pro-pooper and can poop basically anywhere but I was not expecting you to poop in that portable potty chair.  Because up till now we’ve just gone pee-pee in that portable chair.  I mean, it didn’t even cross my mind that you had to poop.    But you did.  And you DID.  In a bag.  In the car.  In the Target parking lot.  Oh, sweet girl, I love you.  Sorry I made you poop in a bag in the car in the Target parking lot.  Next time, just tell mommy you need to poop in the potty and I will lay down my control idol and take you into the public potty for that deed.  I’m guessing your Daddy is going to be a little put out with me.  Sorry, Babe!

 

And then, my sweet girl, I’ve also had some other thoughts.

As women, we are faced with a lot of challenges.  We are smacked in the face with these images of “perfection” which are truly unattainable.  But then we are presented with all of these false things that say, “you CAN attain that perfection if you do THIS or eat THAT or look like THIS or read THAT.”  And then, the most disgusting part is that we JUDGE EACH OTHER when we don’t do THIS or THAT.  And we even judge each other when we DO this or that.  Maybe even moreso.   There is no area of womanhood that is not judged.  Appearance, cooking abilities, cleaning abilities, job, education, community, sense of humor, birthing choices and birth stories in general, photographs, our children, our pets, our style, our car, what we feed ourselves, what we feed our family, our husband or lack-thereof, our family, our relationships, our speech, our spirituality, our faith, our book collection, our bathrooms, our past, our dreams…. The list never ends.

It’s horrible.  And I don’t know any woman who does not fall prey.  Myself included.  We send a text message when an acquaintance did or didn’t do something.   We talk in person and “lovingly” criticize others.   It just exhausts me and makes my heart heavier than the heaviest thing I can imagine.

Lately, God has shown me pieces of myself.  I have noticed that I (try to) present an image to people that I got it together.  I think it is sort of a Suzy Homemaker image.  And the thing is, honestly, that is NOT the case!  But when I know people are watching, I make dinner from scratch.  I pick up all of the toys.  I spot clean the floors (I gave up mopping, just wasn’t working out for me).  And I am kind of chameleon-like.  I adjust myself to the person.  The other day I found myself making a dumb inappropriate joke because I knew the other people would laugh and I wanted them to like me.  But was that my sense of humor?  NO!  I kicked myself all the way home after because I could think of about 100 other things more ME I could have said or done.  And that’s not even the best example I could give you.

I think I am afraid to let people in and see me for ME.  I am so afraid of being judged that I don’t present the real me to hardly anyone.  Because if I did, then that would mean they would judge the real ME.  Not the presented image of me. 

I hate that I do this.  I hate that sin corrupts my thoughts and intentions.  I hate that instead of being myself, instead of letting others see and know the real me I live in fear.  I pray that God will continue to press on my heart and show me the areas He wants to refine.  I pray that I will listen and allow myself to be vulnerable.  And I pray that as He does this, I will not encounter harsh judgments from friends and acquaintances.  But instead love, acceptance and friends who will walk with me and gently speak into my life with me.

I long for you, Charlotte, to see ME.  Not see a woman striving for perfection.  Not see a chameleon-woman.  I want you to see me as confident first in Christ and who He has created me to be.  A woman who is not perfect and knows that, but doesn’t stop there.  A woman who relies upon Jesus for help, who trusts Jesus and knows that this life is impossible to live apart from Him.  I pray Jesus will be at work in your heart as well.  I pray you know you can trust me.  You can be yourself with me and I will love you.  I will stand beside you and speak gently into your life.  I will support you and encourage you, but I will also lovingly correct you teach you.  And when I do so, I pray you do not feel judged by me, but loved.  (And if I were ever to fall into that disgusting place of judging you, God would PUNCH me in the gut right away!)

Oh, sweet girl.  It’s gonna be hard.  But it will be so much better if you just lean on His grace.  Rest in His merciful embrace.

Love, Mommy.